Dr. Henry 'Indiana' Jones Jr.

Better late then never I always say. Mostly because I am quite the lazy bastard, but this time around was due to more personal matters. But I'm here now and feeling great-ish.

As you know (and if you don't get the fuck out) the 4th installment in the Indiana Jones franchise is upon us and have been so for a week now. I have been looking forward to this movie with the kind of gleeful expectation that will put the pedophile scouts master to shame. I have been a huge Indy fan since I secretly saw the first film at age whatever. Believe it was right after my Star Wars love affair. Since then Dr. Jones has been my role model and a better role model there ain't (except the real kind, but who needs them anyway). So when Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull was announced a good few years ago I was very excited indeed. Excited and weary. No not weary...mindful...or something. Point is I wasn't sure if the film would live up to my overly high expectations or not.

It did....kiiiiinda. I guess I should issue some kind of SPOILER ALERT! OMGZ SPOILERZZZZZ! Yes if you haven't seen it yet go do so, because I don't care about you in that regard. Shoo.

The film offers true to form action adventure through out, but hits a few snags here and there. The first of which is the main villain Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchette). It’s ever so cool (and logical) to have Russians as the bad guys this time around since the movie is set in 1950's. But Cate delivers what is probably the worst villain in the Indy series hands down. She never really comes off as a huge threat to anyone and her connection to some psychic power is elusive and vague at best. Not gonna attack the accent, its horrible and you know it's horrible.

The second big beef is with the CGI (computer generated imagery). This always happens when you bring back a movie franchise form the time where models where the big thing in Hollywood (some may even say when charm was a big thing in Hollywood. Oh no you didn't! Oh yes I did). CGI in Indiana Jones just feels wrong. There are a few places where it works pretty good, but more places it doesn't. Since we are so used to seeing real effects in our Indy films makes these CGI moments stand out even more and it is a real shame (and using CGI where CGI is not needed is just crap. Make an effort and do a practical effect like to good old days).

The last big thing is the alien aspect of the story. Yes it's the 50's and paranoia was a big deal with communism and aliens and all that. Had it been up to me, and god willing one day it will be, I would have axed the whole alien story and replaced the alien crystal skull with an old mysterious artifact (could be a skull) that granted the holder the wisdom of the gods or something like that. Keep it in the religion family like the Indy's of old. Next to that I could have accepted the alien story line had it not been for the last 15 minutes of the film. A living, breathing alien (worst alien ever by the way. Something is wrong when the aliens from 1977 looks better then they do today) and a flippin flying saucer. Christ.

But did it stop me from seeing the movie twice in one weekend? Hell no it didn't. Did I like the return of Indiana Jones? OF COURSE! Its still Indiana Jones and the flaws do not take away from the joy of an adventure movie that defines the very genre. Shia LaBeouf works out pretty good, if not a little bland. But who can blame him, he is after all next to Harrison Ford who still kicks ass at 65.

Now all we have to do is wait for the DVD release and enjoy the rest of this years blockbuster season. Next up, The Incredible Hulk.

February 14, 2069

I have no clue as to why or how but the year 2069 has always stood out in my sick little mind as the year I die. The ripe old age of 85 doesn't seem so bad, I'm sure I'm sick of you all by then anyway. As for February 14, well it would only feel right to have such an ironic death (its ironic if you know the sad sad history of my dating life).

Moving on.

I am writing this because I am on and off planning my funeral. Some like to plan their weddings and quite possible briss, but not me. I know it is a long way off (boy wont this post be ironic if I die this week), but that’s just the kind of person I am.

So what would my funeral be like? Fun. Yes, my death will be your party of a lifetime...or death...time...well you know what I mean. I like to celebrate life rather then mourn death, so to have the biggest party possible makes more sense then some depressing church deal where even the crows want to kill themselves. Am I being disrespectful to the dead? Not at all. I believe every being on this earth would agree with me, lest you be some sadist or Goth. You're not a Goth are you? Didn't think so.

My guests would be greeted by a large monitor where pre-recorded images would have me greeting every one. "Welcome to my funeral." "Please, enjoy the shrimp puffs. They are to die for." "Hey there! Looking good." I think this would give the entire thing a personal touch, which is always nice. But this is the future. Who's to say we don't have hologram technology? In that case I could walk around the crowd and mingle. Sure I can only blurb out pre-recorded lines, but again it’s all in the little touches.

I expect to die quite wealthy, so there will of course be servants dressed as angels and devils, giving the party layers. Yes, it’s all very deep. All the food will of course be humorous in some way like deviled eggs or...more deviled eggs.

The evening is of course all about me and don't you forget it. So a huge painting of me in the middle of the room should do the trick. Feel free to form a conga line around it while cheering my name.

I don't believe in burial. The very thought of maggots eating my putrid flesh and nesting in my cavities is, even for a dead man, a little off-putting. So like the heathens of old, a good old fashion 'chuck-the-corpse-on-the-fire' seems fitting.

At one point the monitors will switch to me sitting by a fireplace sipping some fine brandy. The music will dim and the room go dark. Here I will give my final good byes, some words of wisdom and the fact that I have hidden all my money somewhere in the world and the first clue as to where is at the Plaza Hotel in Paris, room 309. GO!

So if you who read this is still alive when I am not, feel free to come and enjoy the festivities. I'll be there in spirit and in High Definition.

(Bring a date)

Disgruntled chainsaw panda will cut you

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Rice crackers - the smell from hell

So I am walking down the hallway of the university I attend (Deakin University, Melbourne I would shout some sort of local sports team cheer, but I don't think Deakin has one...) as I am making my way to the computer lab. I enter the lab and immediately stop, lingering in the doorway. Its here too, just like the in all the other labs...that smell of hot sick on a midsummer day. Like an epidemic the smell travels from room to room blending with the already lingering smell of 30 students cramped inside a room filled with overheated hard-drives. I speak of course of the smell of RICE CRACKERS.

I hate them. My mom always said "hate is a strong word son" but man alive could I think of a few stronger words then hate to describe the smell of an open box of rice crackers. I don't know if it is possible to actually describe the smell, I believe you have to experience it for your self (god have mercy). The worst is when you come to a computer lab and there is no smell. You think you are safe, you think you have found a safe zone. But if you stay there for too long (I would give you about 30 minutes) someone will come along, oblivious to the well being of his or her fellow man and open a box of friggin rice crackers. Slowly but surely the smell will work its way up the nasal cavity alerting you to what has just transpired.

What can you do you ask? I am not sure there is anything we can do. Those who eat rice crackers must somehow be immune to the smell and actually like the dry cardboard taste. I don't believe such a creature can be reasoned with...all we can do is raise awareness and save as many as we can before they find themselves standing in the supermarket thinking "Hmm, these rice crackers look good." That is how it starts, that is how it ends.

By now most of you three reading this are asking and yes, quite possibly shouting WHO ARE YOU AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?!

Short answer is you shouldn't, but hey...I don’t care. My name is Alexander Kalma. I am a Norwegian student living in Melbourne, Australia with an American soul (I have been told). Love it or hate it, I am now blogging and for those of you who know me...well, you see what this blog is named.

So there you have it. Stay away from rice crackers and if you, my dear reader is a rice loving cracker muncher, don't be hate'n. We don't blame you, it's not your fault.

Alexander out.