Whatever happened to jousting?

You know what I'm talking about. The medieval sport where you put on your best armor, get on your trusted steed (who may or may not be named Smuckers) grab a javelin and try and knock the other guy off his Smuckers, I mean horse.

But what the hell happened? It just went away god knows when. Why? This is probably one of the coolest sports created by man, what's not to like? It's people ramming one another with big poles, sure it might have been a bit homo-erotic back in the day, but lets, as men, ignore that.

Yes, yes I am sure they have jousting in those cheesy medieval themed restaurants and medieval themed conventions or appreciation societies or whatever, but that doesn't count. I want this to be big, ESPN 7 big.

I want this to hit places like Madison Square Garden, The Yankee Stadium and such and such and whenever it's on I want it to dominate TV, kicking the regular programing out the door. Sorry Jimmy, no Teletubbies today, it's joust-time.

The crowd would go nuts, Justin Timberlake would spew out of the speakers, the big-screens would show second tier animations and the roasted-pig man would ask if you want roasted-pig. Then the contestants would come out in the arena, but they wouldn't be on horses no, no, no. MONSTER TRUCKS! Yes, they would be in fucking MONSTER TRUCKS and the javelins would be huge logs mounted on the side of the truck. I'm talking endangered, 200 years old redwood logs here. The aim? Hit the other monster truck and smash that bitch to hell.

I really feel jousting could make a comeback with these modern upgrades. Imagine seeing a friggin Monster Truck being flipped over after being hit by a 200 year old wooden log. Such aimless and not to forget pointless destruction of precious natural resources and metal is what life in the western societies is all about. We are bored damn it, now lets crush and burn stuff. You know I'm right. I'm putting down 500 smackers on Raging Smuckers.

That will be all. Now if you will excuse me I'm going to try and change my life. Stay tuned.

Australia - keeping us safe

The upcoming game Fallout 3 has just received a ban in Australia due to its portrayal of drug use in the form of chems that give you in-game boosts and physical upgrades. Feeling this would have a negative influence on us down under, the classification board refused to classify the game thus prohibiting it from being distributed in Australia.

Man, I for one am relieved that someone is out there looking out for my best interest. I mean I could have ended up buying a cool looking adventure game and be subjected to drug use. Really dodged one there.

But they where a little too late though as I have been confronted with unsuitable material in games before. I recently bought Metal Gear Solid 4 expecting a normal cool stealth shooter, but at one point the game took a dark, dark turn. Suddenly I saw my guy injecting him self with a needle to fight off "the shakes." Even though I don't really feel it, I am sure the experience damaged me mentally. So I think it's about time we ban it to protect people like me and of course the children.

Though I haven't played it, I have also seen images from the game Bioshock where the main guy injects him self with a big needle to enhance his performance abilities. Obviously this has been a slip up and we should warn the government body that this needs to be taken away.

Come to think of it allot of games have drug related imagery in them and I think back to my childhood and how reckless some of the games where back then. Just take Super Mario for instance. A man who by eating mushrooms not only grows in size (obviously a metaphor for how drugs make you feel), but by eating a weed like flower gained super human abilities. How I'm not a drug addict by now is a mystery to me, but I guess I was one of the lucky few. I think we should, for the sake of future generations, ban all Mario games just to be sure.

So now that we are ridding the country of games with drug referencing I would like to see this as a spring board to get rid of other bad influences in today's entertainment. Drugs is not the only problem, all though I have seen drug use in several films and some song lyrics (especially from that white rapper guy, best ban him too) that deal with drugs and other none Christian content.

In films we also have allot of violence and alcohol content. Just a month ago I saw Iron Man and the he was drinking allot. So when the movie was done the first thing I and the other kids there did was go down to the local bar and get wasted. I mean, Iron Man did it so it must be cool. I regret it now and see the error of my ways. I surely hope that Australia keep such movies out in the future.

I just want to finish with expressing how safe I feel here in Australia, knowing that both me and the kids here are safe from damaging influences =)

Now if you will excuse me I just picked up a city simulator called GTA 4. I am sure it will be fun...

THANK YOU AUSTRALIA! <3

Swim, swim, swim, DIE! Swim, swim, swim, DIE! Swim, swim, fu@&ing sh%#"!!!!!

It is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I have a tendency to get irritated and therefore obsessed with things you and your friends may think of once only to forget it the very next minute.
One of these things is based on a very simple, yet annoying fact: water levels in games, all games, utterly and completely s-to-the-k SUCK.

What the hell!? Is it really that hard to make a level based around water (either in it or around it) even remotely good? We all remember Super Mario Bros. and how every level was a childish delight jumping over snapping turtles and flesh-eating plants. Then as you unwittingly and cheerfully go down another green pipe you are suddenly dropped into the middle of the friggin ocean! Oh, hey great! Now if I...no, can't move like I used to. Hey what’s that? YOU'RE DEAD! Suddenly you realized that Mario Bros. has its dark and evil side.

And do I dare mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES (the first Nintendo for you none nerd readers...if any)? Just to get from one side of the map to another you had to go through a maze of electrified plankton, a contraption you previously believed was reserved for the seventh layer of hell. Guess not. And as that wasn't enough you had to defuse underwater BOMBS! Yeah, this game is super fun! You'd think a game with turtles would offer you some kind of fluid and natural swimming controls.

But those where the early days of gaming, so we can forgive and forget. That is if today's developers would have learned a thing or two. This is not the case however. From Mario 64, Ocarina of Time to current games like Mario Galaxy and Folklore have yet to grasp how to make a water based level. And I'm not only talking about places you have to swim, no no no even levels simply based around water themes have this eerie habit of being so utterly suck-tastic you'll groan in mental anguish every minute you spend in that infernal place (unless you end up throwing your control in the wall and head of to anger management class).

I discovered lately that going through a water level is much like chewing gum. It offers a fresh taste at first glance (mmmm! Strawberries), but it doesn't take long before that flavour fades away and you are stuck with a limp, tasteless piece of rubber in your mouth with the fun flavour of death.

This post, like many others, has no end point. I simply hate water levels, which on a not very deep level is ironic since I love snow and ice levels. But once I see a busy river or hear the gentle sound of waves crashing against the clear white beach...a simple word is uttered loud and clear...Shit!!!