It is the end of an era and as far as eras go this one has not only been extremely easy to define in terms of beginning and end, but also extremely easy to define as the best era of my life so far. But as it is with all things it comes to a close in a few months and I feel (after 5 glasses of wine) that a look back is worthy of a blog post. So sit back, pop some corn and relax for I am about to take you through the last two years of my life and try and figure out what I have learned and how it has effected me. If you wish to stop reading now I understand (hehe).
I can remember the day I left home to the great unknown as if it was yesterday. The excitement of going to school in a big city I had never ever been before. Sure I had been to both Sydney and Byron Bay before on holiday, but that would not prepare enough for my time in Melbourne. With my first room-mate and very good friend by my side (Linn Therese) I was ready to tackle anything. I never did tell her how much she helped me in those early days and how easy she made it for me to establish a foothold down here once we landed. She was a familiar anker in a new world.
Once the apartment was secures, in the same building in which I reside today, things started to become more and more relaxed. I had a place to call home (something you don't really get from a hostel) things got allot easier to manage. Allocated halfway between my school (Deakin university) and Melbourne city it was easy to make one self familiar with the new city which just so happened to have the same amount of people as my entire home country.
Deakin University was pretty much as I expected, if not a tad smaller then I imagined. Not that I was complaining. it made it all the more easy to get familiarized with the surroundings that would be there for the reminder of my time here. It was exciting to attend a university in another country and I met some people I will never forget, some whom I still call my friends today be they from Germany, Turkey or otherwise. I never did try and get in contact with other Norwegians as that seemed a tad out of point in staying in a foreign country.
As I got to know people in my apartment building love reared its ugly head in the form of Charlotte. As me and my other friends tried to get to know other people in the same building I met her. Beautiful, quirky and artistic she was, at the time, everything I could imagine ever seeing in a girl. I don't really know how it happened, but somewhere along the line she and I became somewhat of an item and I thought I had found true happiness for the first time in....a long good while. Looking back at it and how it ended, which I will not get into here, I see that phase of my time here as a life experience that has made me a richer person and would make me wiser in some ways. For all the pain it might have caused, I am truly grateful for her influence on who I am today.
Being in Australia for two years now I see my self as a richer person and a person that has grown immensely since the time I left. There have been fun times and there have been times where everything seemed hopeless. I guess the most important aspect of my change in the last two years is in truly figuring out not only who I am, but also what I wish to do with my life from here on end. I always said I wanted to be a director, but in my time here I have discovered that writing is my passion and is pretty much the only thing I can ever see my self do for a living. For that alone I value my time here in Australia (that and my new found appreciation for red wine).
I truly know now who I am and what my place is in this world. The only thing that remains now is trying to make a living out of it, but I have faith.
Leaving Australia will probably be one of the most difficult things I've had to do so far in my life as I have totally fallen in love with not only Melbourne city, but the country as a whole. But as much as I love it here I have also discovered that if i ever want to make it as a screen writer then I have to move on and New York is too good of an opportunity to pass up.
There are of course people...one person especially...that I'll miss, but I am confident I'll meet the people I have met down here again. I might be gone for a while, but I can feel it deep inside...I will be in Melbourne again.
søndag 23. november 2008
fredag 17. oktober 2008
This is not the best day ever
3 bottles of wine. Yesterday I managed to polish off 3 bottles of wine in a online drinking seance or whatever with a friend. Now, I didn't go in with the intent of drinking 3 bottles mind you, but they somehow seemed to merge together at some point. I do not get a hangover from red wine. I got a massive fucking hangover from 3 bottles of red wine.
I woke up today with absolutely no idea of how I got there or when and I was nauseous to the brink of some red wine regurgitation if you catch my alcohol ridden drift. But I managed to keep it together and thought some breakfast might do the trick. This was the point were I quickly realized I had absolutely no food in the apartment (nothing edible anyway).
So off I went to the nearest shopping mall, conveniently located a mere 10 minutes by tram from my place. No biggie, right? BIGGIE! 10 minutes on a shaking tram that stops and starts with a jolt and does so at every tram-stop while being a bad thought away from public disclosure of yesterdays dinner is a bad fucking idea.
But I managed and found my way to the mall after a short walk in blistering heat (something that did not stop me from putting on pants and a jacket before leaving the house). So I come walking in to the cool, cool mall, all the while thanking Willis Haviland Carrier for his contribution to this planet, heading for the grocery store. At this stage I am overheated, have a pounding headache and limited motor functions, leaving me one hungry moan from being shot on sight by a overly nervous security guard who saw Dawn of the dead last night (this is a good time to tell you that this story and indeed blog post has no point to it...thought I'd give you the heads up).
For some reason people look at you a little funny when you are dressed for winter in blistering heat while roaming the store in search of painkillers and a bottle of water. Not to mention the look you get from the cash register lady (faaat) when those two items are the only thing being slapped down on the counter by me with what I can imagine must have been a pretty dull facial expression as the higher brain functions were on vacation until an already failing liver tries desperately to clean shit up.
I knock back a few (4) painkillers (which are actually pain-ticklers for the good it did me) and arfed down a foot long sub (meatball with mayo to be specific). Feeling slightly better I thought I'd go see a movie and settled on Max Payne seeing as it was the only thing playing that I haven't already seen. Besides, nothing like balls-to-the-wall action with no deep meaning does the trick when working on a f'ed up system.
WRONG! That movie was so bad I actually thought I'd been fooled into a Owe Boll film. Everything started bad and it went down hill from there. You'd think a movie like that would at least have some cool action sequences, but I guess not. It's rare that I actually contemplate walking out of a movie, but this one made me come pretty close.
After that monstrosity I walked home and here I am, not having the best day ever. Felt it was worthy of a blog post as days like these are rare indeed. At least now I have a pizza at my side and a bottle of Coke Zero, so things might just be looking up at last.
Hm...Coke's a bit flat.
I woke up today with absolutely no idea of how I got there or when and I was nauseous to the brink of some red wine regurgitation if you catch my alcohol ridden drift. But I managed to keep it together and thought some breakfast might do the trick. This was the point were I quickly realized I had absolutely no food in the apartment (nothing edible anyway).
So off I went to the nearest shopping mall, conveniently located a mere 10 minutes by tram from my place. No biggie, right? BIGGIE! 10 minutes on a shaking tram that stops and starts with a jolt and does so at every tram-stop while being a bad thought away from public disclosure of yesterdays dinner is a bad fucking idea.
But I managed and found my way to the mall after a short walk in blistering heat (something that did not stop me from putting on pants and a jacket before leaving the house). So I come walking in to the cool, cool mall, all the while thanking Willis Haviland Carrier for his contribution to this planet, heading for the grocery store. At this stage I am overheated, have a pounding headache and limited motor functions, leaving me one hungry moan from being shot on sight by a overly nervous security guard who saw Dawn of the dead last night (this is a good time to tell you that this story and indeed blog post has no point to it...thought I'd give you the heads up).
For some reason people look at you a little funny when you are dressed for winter in blistering heat while roaming the store in search of painkillers and a bottle of water. Not to mention the look you get from the cash register lady (faaat) when those two items are the only thing being slapped down on the counter by me with what I can imagine must have been a pretty dull facial expression as the higher brain functions were on vacation until an already failing liver tries desperately to clean shit up.
I knock back a few (4) painkillers (which are actually pain-ticklers for the good it did me) and arfed down a foot long sub (meatball with mayo to be specific). Feeling slightly better I thought I'd go see a movie and settled on Max Payne seeing as it was the only thing playing that I haven't already seen. Besides, nothing like balls-to-the-wall action with no deep meaning does the trick when working on a f'ed up system.
WRONG! That movie was so bad I actually thought I'd been fooled into a Owe Boll film. Everything started bad and it went down hill from there. You'd think a movie like that would at least have some cool action sequences, but I guess not. It's rare that I actually contemplate walking out of a movie, but this one made me come pretty close.
After that monstrosity I walked home and here I am, not having the best day ever. Felt it was worthy of a blog post as days like these are rare indeed. At least now I have a pizza at my side and a bottle of Coke Zero, so things might just be looking up at last.
Hm...Coke's a bit flat.
tirsdag 7. oktober 2008
Facebook madness
yeah yeah yeah, so I'm back on facebook after some time away. I did rebel against the new look of the damn thing and I still do. Point of the matter is however that since I'm leaving Australia (and may never return...or at least not in a while)there is people I want to be able to talk to once I'm gone. Grumble, grumble. I don't like it and I hate going back on my protest, but what are you going to do? Since so many users have liked the new look Facebook don't see a reason to change. So here I am, dropping my pants and letting Facebook nail me in the arze.
The thing I don't understand is why this new look was at all necessary? Was the old one really that inconvenient for users? Having everything on one page? I loved that concept and it's why I joined in the first place (that and because everyone else was doing it).
Facebook may have taken a step backwards in the name of progress which should be pretty much impossible to pull off, but they found a way. Just goes to show that the old saying is true: if it ain't broke....
Yet, I'm back, I don't like it and I blame it all on YOU!
The thing I don't understand is why this new look was at all necessary? Was the old one really that inconvenient for users? Having everything on one page? I loved that concept and it's why I joined in the first place (that and because everyone else was doing it).
Facebook may have taken a step backwards in the name of progress which should be pretty much impossible to pull off, but they found a way. Just goes to show that the old saying is true: if it ain't broke....
Yet, I'm back, I don't like it and I blame it all on YOU!
No one goes to Ravingholm anymore...
Wazzzzzzzxzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!1 (the x and 1 is on purpose)
As you may, or may not (whats wrong with you!?) have noticed by that uncharacteristic (it so totally is) and horrific shout-like text that opened this unprepared (which they all pretty much are) blog, I am in somewhat of a delighted mood. No, I'm not horney...yet (hi mom! Thanks for reading my blog. Guess you wish you hadn't now huh?), but rather I have just gotten word that I was accepted to the New York Film Academy for two years.
Yes, Kalma is going to the Big Apple to take nibble. Now, I don't really like apples all that much, lest they be ripe red ones...but not too ripe...But this isn't about my affection or lack there of, of apples. That I am saving for another blog post and man will it be sweet.
Moving on.
A shiny penny to whomever gets the headline for this blog.
Moving on even further.
Things are not all shiny and gay however as a certain Norwegian government body supporting Norwegian students that shall remain nameless (because I don't know what it would be in English) lending box....woah, that joke was funny for 2 people. Point is, the organization lending me money for my current education might not lend me the cash for the school in NY. I have asked them to look at the school and see if its OK enough to give me money...sweet, sweet green....
So fingers crossed y'all. Now if you will excuse me I have a paper on the Holocaust due...damn Jews*
*To send a complaint please go to hell.
As you may, or may not (whats wrong with you!?) have noticed by that uncharacteristic (it so totally is) and horrific shout-like text that opened this unprepared (which they all pretty much are) blog, I am in somewhat of a delighted mood. No, I'm not horney...yet (hi mom! Thanks for reading my blog. Guess you wish you hadn't now huh?), but rather I have just gotten word that I was accepted to the New York Film Academy for two years.
Yes, Kalma is going to the Big Apple to take nibble. Now, I don't really like apples all that much, lest they be ripe red ones...but not too ripe...But this isn't about my affection or lack there of, of apples. That I am saving for another blog post and man will it be sweet.
Moving on.
A shiny penny to whomever gets the headline for this blog.
Moving on even further.
Things are not all shiny and gay however as a certain Norwegian government body supporting Norwegian students that shall remain nameless (because I don't know what it would be in English) lending box....woah, that joke was funny for 2 people. Point is, the organization lending me money for my current education might not lend me the cash for the school in NY. I have asked them to look at the school and see if its OK enough to give me money...sweet, sweet green....
So fingers crossed y'all. Now if you will excuse me I have a paper on the Holocaust due...damn Jews*
*To send a complaint please go to hell.
torsdag 2. oktober 2008
The greatest blogpost in the world....tribute
Truth be told I live a rather rave free life right now as school and decisions for the future (which is rather pressing at the moment) have taken over. That and my new film and TV blog which is going just swell. But I shall not, nay, I WILL not forget my blog origins and so I come to you today with blog that sees a paradigm shift in the house of Kalma....well, maybe.
As you don't know I've been torn with what exactly to do with myself now that my time at Deakin University comes to a close, if I should actually pass all my courses...hehe...he. I tried getting a job that would allow me to stay in fair Australia, but no such luck. The decision to become a professional screenwriter didn't exactly open allot of doors either, but it is my passion and I can't imagine doing anything else to be honest (Directing still comes in at Nr. 2, but the gap is wide right now).
But the solution to everything was so ridiculously easy when I first thought of it. It was staring me in the facial region all along: The New York Film Academy. They have a one and second year screenwriting program that would see me writing intensely for a year or two, developing me as a writer in a way I could never hope to achieve on my own. The choice about what to do next in my life became crystal clear. Yes, it saddens me to leave Australia and the friends I've made over the past two years, but it was in the cards for a while.
So now I await a reply from the NYFA and hope to high heavens that I'm accepted. I can see it now, roaming the Big Apple while all the while writing my ass off trying to get it good enough to sell. And the fact that my chances of having my scripts seen by Hollywood big wigs gets upped by X% doesn't hurt either....still gonna be hard as nails though, but I have faith in my ability.
If I do get accepted I will be headed for the U.S of A. in August/November of 09. I will be returning to Norway in late February/early March and hopefully my stay will be brief.
Fingers crossed.
As you don't know I've been torn with what exactly to do with myself now that my time at Deakin University comes to a close, if I should actually pass all my courses...hehe...he. I tried getting a job that would allow me to stay in fair Australia, but no such luck. The decision to become a professional screenwriter didn't exactly open allot of doors either, but it is my passion and I can't imagine doing anything else to be honest (Directing still comes in at Nr. 2, but the gap is wide right now).
But the solution to everything was so ridiculously easy when I first thought of it. It was staring me in the facial region all along: The New York Film Academy. They have a one and second year screenwriting program that would see me writing intensely for a year or two, developing me as a writer in a way I could never hope to achieve on my own. The choice about what to do next in my life became crystal clear. Yes, it saddens me to leave Australia and the friends I've made over the past two years, but it was in the cards for a while.
So now I await a reply from the NYFA and hope to high heavens that I'm accepted. I can see it now, roaming the Big Apple while all the while writing my ass off trying to get it good enough to sell. And the fact that my chances of having my scripts seen by Hollywood big wigs gets upped by X% doesn't hurt either....still gonna be hard as nails though, but I have faith in my ability.
If I do get accepted I will be headed for the U.S of A. in August/November of 09. I will be returning to Norway in late February/early March and hopefully my stay will be brief.
Fingers crossed.
torsdag 11. september 2008
Up and /or running
Just letting you all know that my second blog, The Paper Penguin is up and running. Have a peek, gander or even just a glint and gief feebackz!
http://kalma-the-escapist.blogspot.com/
See you on the other site.
http://kalma-the-escapist.blogspot.com/
See you on the other site.
onsdag 10. september 2008
For yee who readeth yonder blog
Wassup yall?
As most of you know I am, in layman's terms, a film geek. I'll see anything good or bad and proud of it too. I love film and TV to the point where I gamble my future career on this highly unstable (yet possibly highly profitable) business. For me there is no other career so it's film industry or bust.
As you've seem I sometimes give my insane ramblings a break to write about films or things film related, which is why I have decided to create a new blog dedicated to just that.
Don't worry (like you would), this blog will still go on. A man needs a place to ramble after all. The new blog, which will be live soon, will focus on film and TV reviews, trailer first impressions and anticipations, DVD (new and old) recommendations and so on. Basically all things film and TV related, thus is my passion.
I hope to see you all there and I hope you'll find it interesting and even useful. It will (hopefully) more structured and informative then this rave fest, so 2 blogs will offer two types of writing.
If there is anything film or TV related (anything at all) you wish me to talk about then leave a comment either on this blog or on the new one when it goes live.
I will be posting the URL to the new site as soon as it's ready. Hope to see you there =)
As most of you know I am, in layman's terms, a film geek. I'll see anything good or bad and proud of it too. I love film and TV to the point where I gamble my future career on this highly unstable (yet possibly highly profitable) business. For me there is no other career so it's film industry or bust.
As you've seem I sometimes give my insane ramblings a break to write about films or things film related, which is why I have decided to create a new blog dedicated to just that.
Don't worry (like you would), this blog will still go on. A man needs a place to ramble after all. The new blog, which will be live soon, will focus on film and TV reviews, trailer first impressions and anticipations, DVD (new and old) recommendations and so on. Basically all things film and TV related, thus is my passion.
I hope to see you all there and I hope you'll find it interesting and even useful. It will (hopefully) more structured and informative then this rave fest, so 2 blogs will offer two types of writing.
If there is anything film or TV related (anything at all) you wish me to talk about then leave a comment either on this blog or on the new one when it goes live.
I will be posting the URL to the new site as soon as it's ready. Hope to see you there =)
lørdag 30. august 2008
Blockbuster season 08 - The rundown
Well, it's over. Another blockbuster season has come and gone, but unlike last year I am left with some good memories (and some awesome ones). There was allot fewer sequels this time around, which may account for the overall quality this year. The season started with the return to splendor in comic book adaptations - Iron Man. As I have stated before, Iron Man was the comic book movie that recaptured the thrills and juvenile coolness (in lack of a better word) that Spiderman gave us way back when. Since the second Spiderman film there weren't allot of good comic book movies floating around, unless you count Ang Lee's HULK. But the Iron Man franchise will no doubt give us another golden age of superheroes on film.
Speaking of which, the rebooting of the HULK franchise with The Incredible HULK also saw the light of day this year. I would put this film under the sequel banner (no pun intended) even though it's a restart, but why split hairs. I won't talk too much about HULK (or Speed Racer or The Happening since I already blogged about them), but HULK was very enjoyable and, as a big a fan as I was of Ang Lee's HULK, feels this is a better HULK movie all around.
Since I mentioned Speed Racer and The Happening I'll grace them with a quick mention. I liked Speed Racer and saw it as maybe the biggest surprise (for me personally anyway) of the year. I did not expect to get the level of enjoyment out of it that I ended up getting and give it a thumbs up as one of this years better newcomers next to Iron Man. The Happening sucked and will never be talked about again...ever.
Next up was Get Smart and Kung Fu Panda, both of which I enjoyed for what they where worth. I felt Get Smart was able to hit all the right notes it was going for (even though the "twist" at the end was unnecessary and forced), but I found my self laughing from start to finish and you can't ask for more then that. For the younger audience (and me) there was Kung Fu Panda. I liked it, but I didn't love it. Was I surrounded by annoying children when I saw it? Yes. Did that color my opinion of the film? I like to think not. Point is as an adult (HA!) I really did feel that it catered to the kids more then anyone else. But I enjoyed it and it was good for some laughs.
But there is of course only one reason why this is maybe the best blockbuster season since the summer of 1997. The Dark Knight. Everyone expected it to be good, some expected it to be awesome - we where all right. Breaking just about every movie record there is this juggernaut of a movie made you realize that this was a summer people would talk about and maybe, just maybe might be the summer kids twenty years from now wish they could go back to so they could experience just how it was (just like I wish I could go back to the summer of 1977...sigh). I have had some memorable times in the movie theater - Star Wars Special Edition, Titanic, Lord of the Rings, the first of the Harry Potter films (magic),Matrix, The Phantom Menace (as bad as it was it was the first SW movie in twenty years...and I was 15), Indiana Jones 4 (for the same reasons, only now I'm 24) and now The Dark Knight. It is a landmark in movie history and we were all part of it.
Then there is X-Files: I want to believe, Narnia 2 and Wanted, all of which disappointed to no end and if you haven't seen them, don't. The same goes for Hellboy 2, which I was hoping would be a step up from number one but except for better creature effects it has very little to offer. These are by far the lower end of this season, but they do not drag it down by a long shot.
I won't talk about Indiana Jones 4 much simply because I already dedicated an entire blog post to it. I will say that it was a fun trip down nostalgia lane, but it didn't quite measure up. Having lost faith in both George Lucas (who is the man responsible for the whole alien aspect of Indy 4) and M. Night Shyamalan (not much...Happening with that man) what now remains is a morbid curiosity what the two will do next. Because there shouldn't be anywhere for them to go but up.
Lastly we get to Tropic Thunder which in my opinion is the second funniest move this year after Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I know some people like Pineapple Express better, but I was actually disappointed with it somewhat. Tropic Thunder was the cherry on the top of a very good season indeed and all we can do now is wait for the DVDs (or Blu-rays if you will) and hope that next year will be just as good.
Before I sign off I will give a special shout out to WALL-E. It hasn't come to Australia yet, but it did premiere in the U.S. during blockbuster season. I for one am really looking forward to it and I have only heard good things.
Speaking of which, the rebooting of the HULK franchise with The Incredible HULK also saw the light of day this year. I would put this film under the sequel banner (no pun intended) even though it's a restart, but why split hairs. I won't talk too much about HULK (or Speed Racer or The Happening since I already blogged about them), but HULK was very enjoyable and, as a big a fan as I was of Ang Lee's HULK, feels this is a better HULK movie all around.
Since I mentioned Speed Racer and The Happening I'll grace them with a quick mention. I liked Speed Racer and saw it as maybe the biggest surprise (for me personally anyway) of the year. I did not expect to get the level of enjoyment out of it that I ended up getting and give it a thumbs up as one of this years better newcomers next to Iron Man. The Happening sucked and will never be talked about again...ever.
Next up was Get Smart and Kung Fu Panda, both of which I enjoyed for what they where worth. I felt Get Smart was able to hit all the right notes it was going for (even though the "twist" at the end was unnecessary and forced), but I found my self laughing from start to finish and you can't ask for more then that. For the younger audience (and me) there was Kung Fu Panda. I liked it, but I didn't love it. Was I surrounded by annoying children when I saw it? Yes. Did that color my opinion of the film? I like to think not. Point is as an adult (HA!) I really did feel that it catered to the kids more then anyone else. But I enjoyed it and it was good for some laughs.
But there is of course only one reason why this is maybe the best blockbuster season since the summer of 1997. The Dark Knight. Everyone expected it to be good, some expected it to be awesome - we where all right. Breaking just about every movie record there is this juggernaut of a movie made you realize that this was a summer people would talk about and maybe, just maybe might be the summer kids twenty years from now wish they could go back to so they could experience just how it was (just like I wish I could go back to the summer of 1977...sigh). I have had some memorable times in the movie theater - Star Wars Special Edition, Titanic, Lord of the Rings, the first of the Harry Potter films (magic),Matrix, The Phantom Menace (as bad as it was it was the first SW movie in twenty years...and I was 15), Indiana Jones 4 (for the same reasons, only now I'm 24) and now The Dark Knight. It is a landmark in movie history and we were all part of it.
Then there is X-Files: I want to believe, Narnia 2 and Wanted, all of which disappointed to no end and if you haven't seen them, don't. The same goes for Hellboy 2, which I was hoping would be a step up from number one but except for better creature effects it has very little to offer. These are by far the lower end of this season, but they do not drag it down by a long shot.
I won't talk about Indiana Jones 4 much simply because I already dedicated an entire blog post to it. I will say that it was a fun trip down nostalgia lane, but it didn't quite measure up. Having lost faith in both George Lucas (who is the man responsible for the whole alien aspect of Indy 4) and M. Night Shyamalan (not much...Happening with that man) what now remains is a morbid curiosity what the two will do next. Because there shouldn't be anywhere for them to go but up.
Lastly we get to Tropic Thunder which in my opinion is the second funniest move this year after Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I know some people like Pineapple Express better, but I was actually disappointed with it somewhat. Tropic Thunder was the cherry on the top of a very good season indeed and all we can do now is wait for the DVDs (or Blu-rays if you will) and hope that next year will be just as good.
Before I sign off I will give a special shout out to WALL-E. It hasn't come to Australia yet, but it did premiere in the U.S. during blockbuster season. I for one am really looking forward to it and I have only heard good things.
fredag 25. juli 2008
Whatever happened to jousting?
You know what I'm talking about. The medieval sport where you put on your best armor, get on your trusted steed (who may or may not be named Smuckers) grab a javelin and try and knock the other guy off his Smuckers, I mean horse.
But what the hell happened? It just went away god knows when. Why? This is probably one of the coolest sports created by man, what's not to like? It's people ramming one another with big poles, sure it might have been a bit homo-erotic back in the day, but lets, as men, ignore that.
Yes, yes I am sure they have jousting in those cheesy medieval themed restaurants and medieval themed conventions or appreciation societies or whatever, but that doesn't count. I want this to be big, ESPN 7 big.
I want this to hit places like Madison Square Garden, The Yankee Stadium and such and such and whenever it's on I want it to dominate TV, kicking the regular programing out the door. Sorry Jimmy, no Teletubbies today, it's joust-time.
The crowd would go nuts, Justin Timberlake would spew out of the speakers, the big-screens would show second tier animations and the roasted-pig man would ask if you want roasted-pig. Then the contestants would come out in the arena, but they wouldn't be on horses no, no, no. MONSTER TRUCKS! Yes, they would be in fucking MONSTER TRUCKS and the javelins would be huge logs mounted on the side of the truck. I'm talking endangered, 200 years old redwood logs here. The aim? Hit the other monster truck and smash that bitch to hell.
I really feel jousting could make a comeback with these modern upgrades. Imagine seeing a friggin Monster Truck being flipped over after being hit by a 200 year old wooden log. Such aimless and not to forget pointless destruction of precious natural resources and metal is what life in the western societies is all about. We are bored damn it, now lets crush and burn stuff. You know I'm right. I'm putting down 500 smackers on Raging Smuckers.
That will be all. Now if you will excuse me I'm going to try and change my life. Stay tuned.
torsdag 10. juli 2008
Australia - keeping us safe
The upcoming game Fallout 3 has just received a ban in Australia due to its portrayal of drug use in the form of chems that give you in-game boosts and physical upgrades. Feeling this would have a negative influence on us down under, the classification board refused to classify the game thus prohibiting it from being distributed in Australia.
Man, I for one am relieved that someone is out there looking out for my best interest. I mean I could have ended up buying a cool looking adventure game and be subjected to drug use. Really dodged one there.
But they where a little too late though as I have been confronted with unsuitable material in games before. I recently bought Metal Gear Solid 4 expecting a normal cool stealth shooter, but at one point the game took a dark, dark turn. Suddenly I saw my guy injecting him self with a needle to fight off "the shakes." Even though I don't really feel it, I am sure the experience damaged me mentally. So I think it's about time we ban it to protect people like me and of course the children.
Though I haven't played it, I have also seen images from the game Bioshock where the main guy injects him self with a big needle to enhance his performance abilities. Obviously this has been a slip up and we should warn the government body that this needs to be taken away.
Come to think of it allot of games have drug related imagery in them and I think back to my childhood and how reckless some of the games where back then. Just take Super Mario for instance. A man who by eating mushrooms not only grows in size (obviously a metaphor for how drugs make you feel), but by eating a weed like flower gained super human abilities. How I'm not a drug addict by now is a mystery to me, but I guess I was one of the lucky few. I think we should, for the sake of future generations, ban all Mario games just to be sure.
So now that we are ridding the country of games with drug referencing I would like to see this as a spring board to get rid of other bad influences in today's entertainment. Drugs is not the only problem, all though I have seen drug use in several films and some song lyrics (especially from that white rapper guy, best ban him too) that deal with drugs and other none Christian content.
In films we also have allot of violence and alcohol content. Just a month ago I saw Iron Man and the he was drinking allot. So when the movie was done the first thing I and the other kids there did was go down to the local bar and get wasted. I mean, Iron Man did it so it must be cool. I regret it now and see the error of my ways. I surely hope that Australia keep such movies out in the future.
I just want to finish with expressing how safe I feel here in Australia, knowing that both me and the kids here are safe from damaging influences =)
Now if you will excuse me I just picked up a city simulator called GTA 4. I am sure it will be fun...
THANK YOU AUSTRALIA! <3
Man, I for one am relieved that someone is out there looking out for my best interest. I mean I could have ended up buying a cool looking adventure game and be subjected to drug use. Really dodged one there.
But they where a little too late though as I have been confronted with unsuitable material in games before. I recently bought Metal Gear Solid 4 expecting a normal cool stealth shooter, but at one point the game took a dark, dark turn. Suddenly I saw my guy injecting him self with a needle to fight off "the shakes." Even though I don't really feel it, I am sure the experience damaged me mentally. So I think it's about time we ban it to protect people like me and of course the children.
Though I haven't played it, I have also seen images from the game Bioshock where the main guy injects him self with a big needle to enhance his performance abilities. Obviously this has been a slip up and we should warn the government body that this needs to be taken away.
Come to think of it allot of games have drug related imagery in them and I think back to my childhood and how reckless some of the games where back then. Just take Super Mario for instance. A man who by eating mushrooms not only grows in size (obviously a metaphor for how drugs make you feel), but by eating a weed like flower gained super human abilities. How I'm not a drug addict by now is a mystery to me, but I guess I was one of the lucky few. I think we should, for the sake of future generations, ban all Mario games just to be sure.
So now that we are ridding the country of games with drug referencing I would like to see this as a spring board to get rid of other bad influences in today's entertainment. Drugs is not the only problem, all though I have seen drug use in several films and some song lyrics (especially from that white rapper guy, best ban him too) that deal with drugs and other none Christian content.
In films we also have allot of violence and alcohol content. Just a month ago I saw Iron Man and the he was drinking allot. So when the movie was done the first thing I and the other kids there did was go down to the local bar and get wasted. I mean, Iron Man did it so it must be cool. I regret it now and see the error of my ways. I surely hope that Australia keep such movies out in the future.
I just want to finish with expressing how safe I feel here in Australia, knowing that both me and the kids here are safe from damaging influences =)
Now if you will excuse me I just picked up a city simulator called GTA 4. I am sure it will be fun...
THANK YOU AUSTRALIA! <3
mandag 7. juli 2008
Swim, swim, swim, DIE! Swim, swim, swim, DIE! Swim, swim, fu@&ing sh%#"!!!!!
It is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I have a tendency to get irritated and therefore obsessed with things you and your friends may think of once only to forget it the very next minute.
One of these things is based on a very simple, yet annoying fact: water levels in games, all games, utterly and completely s-to-the-k SUCK.
What the hell!? Is it really that hard to make a level based around water (either in it or around it) even remotely good? We all remember Super Mario Bros. and how every level was a childish delight jumping over snapping turtles and flesh-eating plants. Then as you unwittingly and cheerfully go down another green pipe you are suddenly dropped into the middle of the friggin ocean! Oh, hey great! Now if I...no, can't move like I used to. Hey what’s that? YOU'RE DEAD! Suddenly you realized that Mario Bros. has its dark and evil side.
And do I dare mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES (the first Nintendo for you none nerd readers...if any)? Just to get from one side of the map to another you had to go through a maze of electrified plankton, a contraption you previously believed was reserved for the seventh layer of hell. Guess not. And as that wasn't enough you had to defuse underwater BOMBS! Yeah, this game is super fun! You'd think a game with turtles would offer you some kind of fluid and natural swimming controls.
But those where the early days of gaming, so we can forgive and forget. That is if today's developers would have learned a thing or two. This is not the case however. From Mario 64, Ocarina of Time to current games like Mario Galaxy and Folklore have yet to grasp how to make a water based level. And I'm not only talking about places you have to swim, no no no even levels simply based around water themes have this eerie habit of being so utterly suck-tastic you'll groan in mental anguish every minute you spend in that infernal place (unless you end up throwing your control in the wall and head of to anger management class).
I discovered lately that going through a water level is much like chewing gum. It offers a fresh taste at first glance (mmmm! Strawberries), but it doesn't take long before that flavour fades away and you are stuck with a limp, tasteless piece of rubber in your mouth with the fun flavour of death.
This post, like many others, has no end point. I simply hate water levels, which on a not very deep level is ironic since I love snow and ice levels. But once I see a busy river or hear the gentle sound of waves crashing against the clear white beach...a simple word is uttered loud and clear...Shit!!!
One of these things is based on a very simple, yet annoying fact: water levels in games, all games, utterly and completely s-to-the-k SUCK.
What the hell!? Is it really that hard to make a level based around water (either in it or around it) even remotely good? We all remember Super Mario Bros. and how every level was a childish delight jumping over snapping turtles and flesh-eating plants. Then as you unwittingly and cheerfully go down another green pipe you are suddenly dropped into the middle of the friggin ocean! Oh, hey great! Now if I...no, can't move like I used to. Hey what’s that? YOU'RE DEAD! Suddenly you realized that Mario Bros. has its dark and evil side.
And do I dare mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES (the first Nintendo for you none nerd readers...if any)? Just to get from one side of the map to another you had to go through a maze of electrified plankton, a contraption you previously believed was reserved for the seventh layer of hell. Guess not. And as that wasn't enough you had to defuse underwater BOMBS! Yeah, this game is super fun! You'd think a game with turtles would offer you some kind of fluid and natural swimming controls.
But those where the early days of gaming, so we can forgive and forget. That is if today's developers would have learned a thing or two. This is not the case however. From Mario 64, Ocarina of Time to current games like Mario Galaxy and Folklore have yet to grasp how to make a water based level. And I'm not only talking about places you have to swim, no no no even levels simply based around water themes have this eerie habit of being so utterly suck-tastic you'll groan in mental anguish every minute you spend in that infernal place (unless you end up throwing your control in the wall and head of to anger management class).
I discovered lately that going through a water level is much like chewing gum. It offers a fresh taste at first glance (mmmm! Strawberries), but it doesn't take long before that flavour fades away and you are stuck with a limp, tasteless piece of rubber in your mouth with the fun flavour of death.
This post, like many others, has no end point. I simply hate water levels, which on a not very deep level is ironic since I love snow and ice levels. But once I see a busy river or hear the gentle sound of waves crashing against the clear white beach...a simple word is uttered loud and clear...Shit!!!
torsdag 12. juni 2008
Triathlon of the cinemaphile
Hello gentle reader, it is I...me. Most of you who read this know that I am the posterboy for escapism* and this does not stand to change any time soon. So naturally this time of the year is MY time of the year. That's right, its blockbuster season. I mentioned that already, but it's worth repeating. Point is, when the Victorian cinema society (whom I just made up) decided to plan poorly and open three BIG movies at the same date (12/06/08) there was only one thing for me to do, cinema triathlon. Having never had the chance to see three big movies in one day before I was naturally excited even if my wallet was not. So with out further babbling (even though I know you luuuuv it) I'll take you through the films and...well I guess babble about them. Heyooo!
YOU'RE MAKING ME HUNGRY. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M HUNGRY...wait, that's not right.
I started the day with the first screening of the Incredible HULK (yes, you have to spell HULK in all capital letters. It's the law) at 11 AM. Before I could really notice the awesomeness of a morning screening the film started and the next big Marvel film was about to...erupt on screen.
I was a big fan of the "first" HULK film back in good old 2003, so I was quite anxious to see if this more mainstream adaptation with Edward Norton would hold up. And boy does it ever. Though not without its (minor) flaws, HULK is another home run for MARVEL this year after Iron Man (which I feel is still better then HULK, but that’s all Downey Jr.). Bruce Banner is beaten, bitter and looking for answers as the movie picks up some time after he was exposed to Gamma radiation and turned into HULK for the first time. Let me make this clear to all who have not seen it. This ain't no remake of the 2003 film. In fact it almost works as a sequel. HULK looks better then ever and so does Abomination. Norton is really good as Bruce, but I feel that Liv Tyler was perhaps the wrong person to play Elisabeth Ross as every time I see her on screen I miss Jennifer Connelly who did a better job (could be because she is a better actress).
But all in all this is comic book movie at its peek and the scene with Tony Stark at the end will leave you with Goosebumps. OMG, did I spoil? Fuck you.
The plants, the plants! OMG it’s the plants! *Audience laughs*
Second film on my agenda was the much anticipated The Happening, the latest film by M (Mortimer?) Night Shyama...lama... you know, the dude who made Sixth sense. I used to be (that’s right) a huge fan of his. Loved Sixth sense, Unbreakable and the village and liked Signs. The came Lady in the water....and my faith was stirred (because it was crap, FYI). But that was ok, everyone makes a mistake now and again. I still had faith. Then M. Nigh made a movie about plant life making humans kill themselves...now I have no faith. Gone. Zip. 6 feet deep. This is crap, pure and simple. M. Night is a good director, he really is but stop writing your own stuff for god's sake. You're out of ideas and the less said about the clumsy over expositional dialog in The happening the better. Take a script someone else has written and make that. Good boy. This topic is making me depressed, lets move on.
How colours can give you mental orgasms.
Towards the end of the day Speed Racer was on the menu and I was sceptical. One the one hand critics (whom I never really listen to) seemed to really enjoy it, but it still looked like a cheesy kids movie that would offer me little as an (by the eyes of the law) adult. I was wrong and I was very impressed over how this effect splendour sucked me in and held on for the entire ride. Yes, it is a PG kids movie but it offers allot for the older crowd making this a joy to watch. However, you have to know what kind of movie you are going to if you are to enjoy it. If you don't the colours will hit you in the face with a sledgehammer. This is a living breathing cartoon and once you make your piece with that you will find a childlike thrill that you don't really get that often. The races are exciting and the acting is, to much surprise, good. Ironically it kinda comes down to the slogan for the MATRIX. No one can really tell you what Speed Racer is. You have to see it for your self.
PS. Matthew Fox should be in more movies.
So that’s that. Now we wait for Dark Knight which we all already know will be awesome and a half. But the fun doesn't stop there. This year will have, at least me, entertained and fully consumed by that wonderful escapism that for a short time makes everything else go away. Man, I love this time of year.
* Escapism is mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant aspects of daily stress. It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to try to help relieve feelings of depression or general sadness.
-Wikipedia.com
onsdag 28. mai 2008
Dr. Henry 'Indiana' Jones Jr.
Better late then never I always say. Mostly because I am quite the lazy bastard, but this time around was due to more personal matters. But I'm here now and feeling great-ish.
As you know (and if you don't get the fuck out) the 4th installment in the Indiana Jones franchise is upon us and have been so for a week now. I have been looking forward to this movie with the kind of gleeful expectation that will put the pedophile scouts master to shame. I have been a huge Indy fan since I secretly saw the first film at age whatever. Believe it was right after my Star Wars love affair. Since then Dr. Jones has been my role model and a better role model there ain't (except the real kind, but who needs them anyway). So when Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull was announced a good few years ago I was very excited indeed. Excited and weary. No not weary...mindful...or something. Point is I wasn't sure if the film would live up to my overly high expectations or not.
It did....kiiiiinda. I guess I should issue some kind of SPOILER ALERT! OMGZ SPOILERZZZZZ! Yes if you haven't seen it yet go do so, because I don't care about you in that regard. Shoo.
The film offers true to form action adventure through out, but hits a few snags here and there. The first of which is the main villain Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchette). It’s ever so cool (and logical) to have Russians as the bad guys this time around since the movie is set in 1950's. But Cate delivers what is probably the worst villain in the Indy series hands down. She never really comes off as a huge threat to anyone and her connection to some psychic power is elusive and vague at best. Not gonna attack the accent, its horrible and you know it's horrible.
The second big beef is with the CGI (computer generated imagery). This always happens when you bring back a movie franchise form the time where models where the big thing in Hollywood (some may even say when charm was a big thing in Hollywood. Oh no you didn't! Oh yes I did). CGI in Indiana Jones just feels wrong. There are a few places where it works pretty good, but more places it doesn't. Since we are so used to seeing real effects in our Indy films makes these CGI moments stand out even more and it is a real shame (and using CGI where CGI is not needed is just crap. Make an effort and do a practical effect like to good old days).
The last big thing is the alien aspect of the story. Yes it's the 50's and paranoia was a big deal with communism and aliens and all that. Had it been up to me, and god willing one day it will be, I would have axed the whole alien story and replaced the alien crystal skull with an old mysterious artifact (could be a skull) that granted the holder the wisdom of the gods or something like that. Keep it in the religion family like the Indy's of old. Next to that I could have accepted the alien story line had it not been for the last 15 minutes of the film. A living, breathing alien (worst alien ever by the way. Something is wrong when the aliens from 1977 looks better then they do today) and a flippin flying saucer. Christ.
But did it stop me from seeing the movie twice in one weekend? Hell no it didn't. Did I like the return of Indiana Jones? OF COURSE! Its still Indiana Jones and the flaws do not take away from the joy of an adventure movie that defines the very genre. Shia LaBeouf works out pretty good, if not a little bland. But who can blame him, he is after all next to Harrison Ford who still kicks ass at 65.
Now all we have to do is wait for the DVD release and enjoy the rest of this years blockbuster season. Next up, The Incredible Hulk.
mandag 19. mai 2008
February 14, 2069
I have no clue as to why or how but the year 2069 has always stood out in my sick little mind as the year I die. The ripe old age of 85 doesn't seem so bad, I'm sure I'm sick of you all by then anyway. As for February 14, well it would only feel right to have such an ironic death (its ironic if you know the sad sad history of my dating life).
Moving on.
I am writing this because I am on and off planning my funeral. Some like to plan their weddings and quite possible briss, but not me. I know it is a long way off (boy wont this post be ironic if I die this week), but that’s just the kind of person I am.
So what would my funeral be like? Fun. Yes, my death will be your party of a lifetime...or death...time...well you know what I mean. I like to celebrate life rather then mourn death, so to have the biggest party possible makes more sense then some depressing church deal where even the crows want to kill themselves. Am I being disrespectful to the dead? Not at all. I believe every being on this earth would agree with me, lest you be some sadist or Goth. You're not a Goth are you? Didn't think so.
My guests would be greeted by a large monitor where pre-recorded images would have me greeting every one. "Welcome to my funeral." "Please, enjoy the shrimp puffs. They are to die for." "Hey there! Looking good." I think this would give the entire thing a personal touch, which is always nice. But this is the future. Who's to say we don't have hologram technology? In that case I could walk around the crowd and mingle. Sure I can only blurb out pre-recorded lines, but again it’s all in the little touches.
I expect to die quite wealthy, so there will of course be servants dressed as angels and devils, giving the party layers. Yes, it’s all very deep. All the food will of course be humorous in some way like deviled eggs or...more deviled eggs.
The evening is of course all about me and don't you forget it. So a huge painting of me in the middle of the room should do the trick. Feel free to form a conga line around it while cheering my name.
I don't believe in burial. The very thought of maggots eating my putrid flesh and nesting in my cavities is, even for a dead man, a little off-putting. So like the heathens of old, a good old fashion 'chuck-the-corpse-on-the-fire' seems fitting.
At one point the monitors will switch to me sitting by a fireplace sipping some fine brandy. The music will dim and the room go dark. Here I will give my final good byes, some words of wisdom and the fact that I have hidden all my money somewhere in the world and the first clue as to where is at the Plaza Hotel in Paris, room 309. GO!
So if you who read this is still alive when I am not, feel free to come and enjoy the festivities. I'll be there in spirit and in High Definition.
(Bring a date)
mandag 12. mai 2008
Disgruntled chainsaw panda will cut you
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fredag 9. mai 2008
Rice crackers - the smell from hell
So I am walking down the hallway of the university I attend (Deakin University, Melbourne I would shout some sort of local sports team cheer, but I don't think Deakin has one...) as I am making my way to the computer lab. I enter the lab and immediately stop, lingering in the doorway. Its here too, just like the in all the other labs...that smell of hot sick on a midsummer day. Like an epidemic the smell travels from room to room blending with the already lingering smell of 30 students cramped inside a room filled with overheated hard-drives. I speak of course of the smell of RICE CRACKERS.
I hate them. My mom always said "hate is a strong word son" but man alive could I think of a few stronger words then hate to describe the smell of an open box of rice crackers. I don't know if it is possible to actually describe the smell, I believe you have to experience it for your self (god have mercy). The worst is when you come to a computer lab and there is no smell. You think you are safe, you think you have found a safe zone. But if you stay there for too long (I would give you about 30 minutes) someone will come along, oblivious to the well being of his or her fellow man and open a box of friggin rice crackers. Slowly but surely the smell will work its way up the nasal cavity alerting you to what has just transpired.
What can you do you ask? I am not sure there is anything we can do. Those who eat rice crackers must somehow be immune to the smell and actually like the dry cardboard taste. I don't believe such a creature can be reasoned with...all we can do is raise awareness and save as many as we can before they find themselves standing in the supermarket thinking "Hmm, these rice crackers look good." That is how it starts, that is how it ends.
By now most of you three reading this are asking and yes, quite possibly shouting WHO ARE YOU AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?!
Short answer is you shouldn't, but hey...I don’t care. My name is Alexander Kalma. I am a Norwegian student living in Melbourne, Australia with an American soul (I have been told). Love it or hate it, I am now blogging and for those of you who know me...well, you see what this blog is named.
So there you have it. Stay away from rice crackers and if you, my dear reader is a rice loving cracker muncher, don't be hate'n. We don't blame you, it's not your fault.
Alexander out.
I hate them. My mom always said "hate is a strong word son" but man alive could I think of a few stronger words then hate to describe the smell of an open box of rice crackers. I don't know if it is possible to actually describe the smell, I believe you have to experience it for your self (god have mercy). The worst is when you come to a computer lab and there is no smell. You think you are safe, you think you have found a safe zone. But if you stay there for too long (I would give you about 30 minutes) someone will come along, oblivious to the well being of his or her fellow man and open a box of friggin rice crackers. Slowly but surely the smell will work its way up the nasal cavity alerting you to what has just transpired.
What can you do you ask? I am not sure there is anything we can do. Those who eat rice crackers must somehow be immune to the smell and actually like the dry cardboard taste. I don't believe such a creature can be reasoned with...all we can do is raise awareness and save as many as we can before they find themselves standing in the supermarket thinking "Hmm, these rice crackers look good." That is how it starts, that is how it ends.
By now most of you three reading this are asking and yes, quite possibly shouting WHO ARE YOU AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?!
Short answer is you shouldn't, but hey...I don’t care. My name is Alexander Kalma. I am a Norwegian student living in Melbourne, Australia with an American soul (I have been told). Love it or hate it, I am now blogging and for those of you who know me...well, you see what this blog is named.
So there you have it. Stay away from rice crackers and if you, my dear reader is a rice loving cracker muncher, don't be hate'n. We don't blame you, it's not your fault.
Alexander out.
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