Swim, swim, swim, DIE! Swim, swim, swim, DIE! Swim, swim, fu@&ing sh%#"!!!!!

It is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I have a tendency to get irritated and therefore obsessed with things you and your friends may think of once only to forget it the very next minute.
One of these things is based on a very simple, yet annoying fact: water levels in games, all games, utterly and completely s-to-the-k SUCK.

What the hell!? Is it really that hard to make a level based around water (either in it or around it) even remotely good? We all remember Super Mario Bros. and how every level was a childish delight jumping over snapping turtles and flesh-eating plants. Then as you unwittingly and cheerfully go down another green pipe you are suddenly dropped into the middle of the friggin ocean! Oh, hey great! Now if I...no, can't move like I used to. Hey what’s that? YOU'RE DEAD! Suddenly you realized that Mario Bros. has its dark and evil side.

And do I dare mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES (the first Nintendo for you none nerd readers...if any)? Just to get from one side of the map to another you had to go through a maze of electrified plankton, a contraption you previously believed was reserved for the seventh layer of hell. Guess not. And as that wasn't enough you had to defuse underwater BOMBS! Yeah, this game is super fun! You'd think a game with turtles would offer you some kind of fluid and natural swimming controls.

But those where the early days of gaming, so we can forgive and forget. That is if today's developers would have learned a thing or two. This is not the case however. From Mario 64, Ocarina of Time to current games like Mario Galaxy and Folklore have yet to grasp how to make a water based level. And I'm not only talking about places you have to swim, no no no even levels simply based around water themes have this eerie habit of being so utterly suck-tastic you'll groan in mental anguish every minute you spend in that infernal place (unless you end up throwing your control in the wall and head of to anger management class).

I discovered lately that going through a water level is much like chewing gum. It offers a fresh taste at first glance (mmmm! Strawberries), but it doesn't take long before that flavour fades away and you are stuck with a limp, tasteless piece of rubber in your mouth with the fun flavour of death.

This post, like many others, has no end point. I simply hate water levels, which on a not very deep level is ironic since I love snow and ice levels. But once I see a busy river or hear the gentle sound of waves crashing against the clear white beach...a simple word is uttered loud and clear...Shit!!!